A Gentlemen’s Theory: XXX Edition
Here’s the full text of something I wrote that’s kind of dirty.
A Gentlemen’s Theory: Keep Your Favorite Pornstar A Secret
By Caleb Bacon
This article was originally published on Just a Guy Thing and also pleasantly discussed here.
“She’s hotter than hot! She’s amazing. She’s my dream,” revealed my friend, who we’ll call “Mellow Yellow.”
I’m not sure what compelled Mellow Yellow to tell me about his favorite pornstar, but I thanked him for this new information. I had never heard of her, and she sounded like pure, delicious fantasy. (We’ll call her “The Golden Girl” — though she’s no senior citizen.)
It was as if Mellow Yellow was saying “this is my favorite pornstar, and she will become your favorite too.”
I go home. Use The Google. Turns out The Golden Girl is pretty popular.
She certainly wasn’t unattractive. Her cosmetic surgeries seemed minimal enough to maintain the morally-ambiguous girl-next-door-thing that works so well in adult cinema. And whether via personal trainer or a hearty powdered-stimulant appetite, she was quite slender. She was tramp-stamped, but not over-tatted like those pornstarlets whose side-of-neck tattoo screams, “I could never work at an insurance agency so don’t even try to hire me.”
Forty-two seconds into her scene with another similarly attractive barely-legal, I deduced she must’ve downed a gallon of Gatorade before heading to the set (or G2 if she wanted half the calories but all of the fluid.)
The Golden Girl was urinating all over her co-star.
She wasn’t just a pornstar but a star of Golden Shower Porn, and these watersports were not sexy.
“Who buys this stuff?” I questioned my Macbook, aghast.
Oh. Right.
Did Mellow Yellow assume I was also into Golden Showerpower? Or did he think that I would judge The Golden Girl’s masturbatory merit on her (dry) looks alone?
I never bothered to find out. Just like he had never bothered to find out if I liked Golden Shower Porn before offering such a glowing, revealing recommendation.
Guys, Guys, Guys
America boasts about 150 million men. That’s 150 million flavors of American pervert. As men, we’re like pervy snowflakes, each featuring a dirty pornographic desire with which to scratch a unique itch of orgasm.
Like one snowflake to the next, we don’t realize how truly different we are. While we all have some affinity for the Jenna Jameson-type (big fake-jugged, bleached blonde,) we need to realize how truly special our tastes are.
A trip to YouPorn reveals category after category of sinful variety, suggesting no way we’re all alike. In this era of porn-specialization, revealing your favorite pornstar is revealing your favorite genre. Revealing your favorite genre may be way way way way too much information.
I’ve changed my friend’s name to Mellow Yellow for the purpose of this piece, but also it’s what our group of friends have nicknamed him.
Guys, if you want to be Gentlemen, keep your favorite pornstars a secret! That is, unless you want to unknowingly reveal that you get jiggy with yourself to leather-clad Middle Eastern midgets on tricycles.
Not that there’s anything wrong with that.
